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| Today I was sitting in my therapist's office, telling her about all the things my mother and I have differed on, the fights we've had, the times where I felt physically in danger because of her, and she said this to me,
"From what I'm hearing from you, you're safety was compromised, your creative expression was compromised, everything you did seemed to be problematic for her. This hasn't been a recent thing, walking on eggshells and tiptoeing around her moods--it's been going on for years. And it really sucks. It just sucks."
To hear someone like her say it, someone who deals with people like me (which i guess is maladjusted or confused or crazy), who listens to their problems, and is obliged to give them objective opinions and advice... to hear her say that a part of my life sucked felt so good.
Because finally my feelings of anger feel validated. Like, I'm not just being selfish--I had a real reason to be angry and upset. I've always known it, but there was always an inner voice that told me to stop complaining because I am spoiled and don't really deserve the things that I have. But now I feel for the first time that I have a right to feel the way I feel.
I don't think i've ever felt this good on a monday. | | |
| You think I shouldn't have the right to vote? I don't care how much you say you're joking, I know that you're not. Because if you didn't really believe what you say, you wouldn't repeat it so damn much.
I know you're trying to bust my chops. I don't appreciate it, but I'm going to count to ten and hold my breath. And I'm not going to flip a shit just because i'm so sick of fighting with you. You say this to me all the time, but don't think for a second that you're the only person who feels that way. Honestly, you've done a great job of making me feel under appreciated and unloved this week and like everything I do is for naught. So I really don't even care what you do or say anymore.
//edit//
Actually, I do care what you do. Honestly, whenever I think of you now, all I can think of is that phrase, "Don't make someone your priority when they make you their option." I feel like I do so much, I've tried so hard this week to be nice, to not be so demanding, to treat you like the girl you USED to love (since apparently i am not the girl you fell in love with---which by the way, fucking hurts like hell every time you say it. You rip my heart out whenever you say that to me). Everything I do is wrong, it's wrong, it's wrong, and I can never redeem myself. You tell me that you love me a lot, but then you forget me for hours. You don't respond to my texts for hours, you don't answer your phone when I call, you don't respond to my emails. What do I have to do for you to act like you care about me? Or should I just assume that you've fallen out of love? Because it's something that has been pulling at my brain all week, and only now can I admit it aloud.
I'm your girlfriend, not your option. If you made me feel for one second of my life that you valued me, I would be happy. If you made me feel for one second that you actually cared about what happens in my life, I would be happy. I feel like such an idiot sometimes for being in love with you, but then I think about the future, or I think about the past, and I think about the times when I really enjoyed you being around so it all seems worthwhile. But here I am, sitting around waiting for your text because I just want to talk to you, and I feel like a moron. I feel like a 16 year old girl. I wish you loved me like you say you do. I wish you would just love me the way I love you. | | |
| I don't feel like talking about it anymore.
It sucked, I felt violated and degraded, but whatever. As someone pointed out, that's just the way the world is. Guys are going to leer at me, going to grab me, and that's it. I should be a strong women and just ignore them.
And I guess more importantly, I should be a stronger woman that I am, and stop depending on my boyfriend. The tightness with which I've bound myself around him is not my fault, it's a my psychological response to having sexual intercourse with someone for the first time, but it's caused me to lose track of my individuality and independence. He was surprised that I felt so sad and needy for him when I was feeling violated by those guys at Haveford; he said, "I'm surprised to hear this coming from you, a person who considers herself a strong woman. Guys are going to grab you, Anna, and I won't be mad because I know it's not your fault. But you've got to be able to defend yourself, and more importantly, just ignore them. Don't let them ruin your good time with their asshole-ness" or something along those lines. I still am confused and hurt by his reaction, I feel like he wouldn't care if I actually got hurt, but I guess in a sense he's right. It's time for me to unwrap myself a little and revisit who I was before him and more importantly, before sex. Because before him, I would have still been bothered by these guys, but I would have had more fight in me. But without him, I just sort of crumpled and felt like the entire world was out to get me. And I guess it's sweet to depend on someone and love them like that, but I scare myself at the same time. Where is the me that used to be? I fear that I'm developing the obsessional kind of love I've had experience with, and I don't want that. I need to redetermine what I'm doing, the pros and cons, and find a balance.
Coming to college has been a big step for me to re-evaluate what kind of person I am, and I have to do a lot of detangling from other people and other people's expectations and perceptions of me. I've started the process but I'm not clearer to a resolution than I was a month ago. | | |
| "Realize that jealousy shows your lack of self esteem and uncertainty of your own worth. Work on taking a really good self evaluation. This experience can be a wonderful learning opportunity for you. Work on communication with other people. Work on developing confidence.
Study your rival. Look closely at the person you are jealous about:
What do you like and dislike about the person?
What I dislike about her is that she has the personality I wish I had. She is spontaneous, talkative, flirty, and fun. I am none of those things. I don't know how to flirt with anyone. I'm not spontaneous, I like things to be planned. I'm certainly not very talkative. When I do talk, its stupid. I don't say anything worthwhile. I don't know how to have interesting conversations with people. I'm really boring. I'm deathly boring. And I'm certainly not fun. The only fun thing about me is that I'm good with sexuality. I try to think of fun things to do, but they're all boring in reality. I try to think of fun dates, but I guess they're alright. She's everything I'm not: confident. Of course he'd dump me for her, I'm not even that pretty. I have acne all over my face, my hair looks stupid most of the time, I'm not full chested, I'm skin and bones, there's nothing worthwhile about me. And I have a completely noxious personality. I'm too cynical, I'm too argumentative, I'm too much of a perfectionist. I'm a hypocrite. I'm a nag because I feel that if he isn't constantly talking to me, or saying the right things, it means things that rationally I know aren't true. But now that i've pretty much ruined things forever, I'm sure he is purposely ignoring me because I'm annoying to talk to. Or he'd rather talk to her because she still has interesting things to talk about. I'm boring. I suck. I suck. I suck. I don't deserve anything that is given to me, I don't work hard enough. I don't deserve my friends, my boyfriend, my parents love, anything.
Are his or her qualities beyond your abilities?
Absolutely. She is the paradigm of young woman, and I am the old hag. There is nothing special about me. Nothing.
"Be sure you are not being unrealistic about that person. Are you seeing things as they really are? Take control of your feelings. Terminate the relationship if nothing else seems to work. Take the time to concentrate on your own growth. Work at trying to understand and improve your relationship."
we'll see if this therapist i'm going to can help me get some of my security back. going to college has really opened my eyes to the fact that i am not the person I thought I was. I am so insecure with everything, I panic at everything, and I am often crying because I feel like I'm constantly falling short of expectations. I don't deserve to be at Bryn Mawr. I don't deserve anything. He should just dump me and move on to someone more interesting and pretty. I'm only keeping him down. | | |
| We just kissed
And that's about it
I fell asleep
She had to do without it
That's the way it sometimes goes
Under the covers
But in yesterday's clothes
Whilst you were asleep
Me - Pins and needles
You were asleep
Me - Other people
Rubbing ourselves together
We were bound to lose that feeling
Rubbing ourselves together
Staring at the ceiling
I wonder if she suspects
Who sent me that last text
Or that I'm speaking loudly
Waiting for my phone to stop vibrating
Whilst you were asleep
Me - Pins and needles
I was asleep
With other people
Rubbing ourselves together
We were bound to lose a feeling
I still can't believe how fast our hearts were beating
Rubbing ourselves together
We were bound to lose a feeling
I still can't believe how fast our hearts were beating
Here's the truth:
We just kissed
And that's about it
I fell asleep
She had to do without it
That's the way it sometimes goes
Under the covers
But in yesterday's clothes
It was sleep that stopped me cheating
Not the way you got my heart beating
Rubbing ourselves together
We were bound to lose a feeling
I still can't believe how fast my heart were beating
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I've lost that loving feeling
We've lost that loving feeling
Gone | | |
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